


Like The Sea On A Stormy Day

by minervra



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, heartbreak and sexy times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:15:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24234898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minervra/pseuds/minervra
Summary: Sirius spends the night alone, overthinking everything that has happend to him, when a nightly visitor prompts him to let down his guard for once.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	Like The Sea On A Stormy Day

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the hogwartsonline concept owls with the prompts "nostalgia" and "goodbye".

It was a quiet night in number 12 Grimmauld Place. The fire was burning low and the soft crackling sound of the wood was the only thing to be heard. Sirius sat in a chair that he had moved closer to the fireplace in order to be able to enjoy the warmth a bit more. With a glass of wine in his hand he stared into the flames, his mind racing. He wasn’t able to quiet his thoughts, to put order to the chaos in his head. Sometimes it was so overwhelming that Sirius would snap and yell at anyone or anything that was in the same room as him. Moments of serenity were rare and usually seemed unachievable.

He constantly thought about the choices he had made in the past, especially the choice that had doomed his best friend’s family, that had made Harry an orphan, that had put him into Azkaban. And now he constantly dwelled on the what ifs. Sirius knew he shouldn’t, knew it wouldn’t help anyways, but he couldn’t stop. He had spent twelve years imprisoned, feeling guilty for what misery he had brought onto James and Lily – and Harry.

Sirius had asked Harry to live with him and had been very excited when Harry had said yes. But then again everything had gone wrong, Peter Pettigrew – very much alive contrary to popular belief – had escaped and Harry and his friends had helped Sirius flee from certain execution by a dementor’s kiss. 

Would there ever be a time when he wasn’t running from something? A time when he wouldn’t run from his guilt, from his past?

As he took a sip from his wine he heard noises in front of the house. It wasn’t unusual for people to walk directly past the house since number 12 Grimmauld Place stood in a muggle neighborhood. But this time the noise sounded strangely close to the front door.

There weren’t many people who knew about his hiding palace yet, only Remus and Dumbledore, and they wouldn’t arrive without notifying him first.

Sirius put down his glass and drew his wand. Slowly, he made his way through the hallway to the door. Someone seemed to walk up the stairs up to the doorstep. Only seconds later the doorbell rang. For a few moments Sirius stood completely still, then he reached out a hand and grabbed the doorknob. Holding his wand up in front of him, ready to cast a spell, he opened the door. At the sight in front of him Sirius let down his wand and all the tension in his body vanished.

“Remus?”

“I should’ve sent a message,” Remus said. He looked tired, bags under his eyes, the hair more tousled than usual and with red marks on his skin that Sirius didn’t recall seeing on him the last time their paths had crossed. It had taken Remus a lot of contemplation to even make the decision to come to Sirius’ hiding place. He hoped Sirius wouldn’t be taken aback by his sudden appearance.

“Old friend, come in!” Sirius exclaimed clearly surprised but happy to see a familiar face after spending a lot of time with only Kreacher and the screaming portrait of his mother.

After closing the door behind them he walked back to the sitting room in which he had been enjoying his wine earlier. Remus followed him.

“What brings you here?” Sirius asked holding out a glass to Remus and offering him a drink.

“I figured both of us wouldn’t have any plans for today,” he replied simply and sat down in another chair next to Sirius. He wasn’t going to say how much he needed to see a familiar face, how much he had missed talking to his good friend – not yet, anyways.

“I won’t have any plans for the next years to come.” Sirius tried to make it sound like he was joking but Remus noticed the underlying tone of anger and regret. His friend didn’t look at him while speaking and stared into the flames in front of them.

“Who would’ve thought I’d ever return to this hell of a place,” Sirius added and laughed dryly. “If at least Harry could stay here with me. He is so much like James.”

“He is,” Remus nodded and smiled wearily as memories of their time at Hogwarts resurfaced and flashed though his head. He remembered James coming back to their common room and excitedly telling them about the Quidditch try outs he’d just attended. He saw James catching the snitch for the first time during a match against Ravenclaw and he recalled all those evenings they had spent together, laughing and joking, playing chess or coming up with a new thrilling scheme.

“I still remember when James told us about his plan to become an Animagus”, Remus then said, this time with a genuine smile as he thought back to the moment. “He spent so much time in the library looking it up that Madame Pince got suspicious.”

“Oh, I remember,” Sirius replied and turned to face Remus. “He got all Os on the Transfiguration tests that year because he learned so much a long the way.”

“Professor McGonagall probably suspected that he was up to something, too.”

“I wonder if she ever figured it out,” Sirius contemplated with a smirk.

“That was probably the best thing to happen to me during our time at Hogwarts,” Remus admitted. “You guys keeping me company during my transformations that is.”

“What adventures we went on together on those nights. Remember that one time when we tried to walk to the other side of the Forbidden Forest? Or the other night we met those gigantic spiders?”

“As it turned out at least one of them was raised by Hagrid.”

“Really? He does seem to be enthusiastic about dangerous creatures. But he also got Buckbeak and without him I wouldn’t be here. I should’ve thanked him, sent him a letter or so.” Sirius reached for the bottle to pour him another glass of wine.

“Where do you keep Buckbeak?”

“Upstairs, in mother’s old bedroom. He grew on me and I like to think that he doesn’t hate me either.”

“That was quite a night. When I heard that Harry, Hermione and Ron managed to sneak you out of Hogwarts on Buckbeak I couldn’t quite believe it.”

“It was terrible, though. If Peter hadn’t escaped… We could’ve cleared my name, Harry could’ve come here,” said Sirius, then he turned around and looked directly at Remus. “If I hadn’t pressed James and Lily –“

“No, Sirius!” Remus interrupted him sternly. “You couldn’t have known that! No one expected him to be the traitor.”

But Sirius didn’t listen to him. He wished he could believe what Remus’ had just said but it wasn’t possible for Sirius to let go of that dreadful memory, of the guilt that kept him awake at night and restless during the day. Yes, he had been wrongfully imprisoned, knowing that he was innocent had kept him sane, but in his mind he had deserved the punishment. He still blamed himself for what had happened that 31st October.

“If I hadn’t insisted on making Peter the secret keeper Harry would’ve had parents to raise him.” Sirius’ voice was cold and Remus felt a sting in his heart upon seeing his friend like that. His black curls had fallen into Sirius’ face which made it impossible for Remus to see that Sirius’ eyes were filling with tears. But Remus did see how his friend’s body seemed to give in as his shoulders dropped and his face turned away.

“I just can’t stop thinking about this one choice, this one time I was wrong. This one thing turned everything to hell!” Sirius growled.

“Harry forgave you,” Remus started. “You have to forgive yourself now.”

“I CAN’T!” Sirius shouted and glanced at his friend in bewilderment. He had almost jumped out of his seat. “Do you think James and Lily –“

“They would. I’m sure that they would forgive you in a heartbeat.” Remus’ voice was calm and soothing and Sirius sat back down and leaned back in his chair. His breath was still going heavy, though, and Remus knew that there was still a long way ahead for Sirius to accept his actions in the past and that he couldn’t change them anymore.

“You don’t know if they would,” came a raspy whisper from the other chair. Sirius had completely sunken into the chair, one hand reaching for the bottle of wine that stood next to him, trading it for the empty glass.

Remus’ heart was breaking and he yearned to pull Sirius into an embrace and hold him like he wanted to all those years ago whenever Sirius had gotten bad news from his family. Whenever he had received rude letters or when other students associated with the old pureblood families had called him names and looked down upon him Remus had always wanted to show Sirius how much he cared for him – how much he loved him. And it was like those feelings from their teenage years had never vanished completely but instead been dormant while Sirius had been imprisoned. Now Remus was overwhelmed by all those feelings coming back, crashing over him like a massive wave flooding the shore on a stormy day.

He didn’t know what to reply to Sirius, though, and therefore just sat there in silence staring into the fire. While the two men were sitting next to each other in a house hidden away from plain view by magic, both of them dwelling on their own thoughts, it was almost like the time stood still. Remus didn’t know if midnight had already come and passed when Sirius suddenly shifted in his seat. He sounded much older and much more tired when he spoke next.

“What will I do? Stay at this place forever until the day I day? Waste away while doing nothing?” Sirius asked and all anger was gone. His eyes were fixed on Remus who was overcome by the hopelessness that came with Sirius’ words.

“We know that you are innocent, we forgive you and we will help you clear your name. You even have Dumbledore on your side,” Remus said softly. He couldn’t bare seeing his friend like this. In his memories Sirius was this witty, lively person, always a quick joke on his lips and never giving away his true feelings from deep down within him. The way he was talking now meant that he had given up trying to keep up his defenses, the walls he had build to keep his emotions in check had crumbled to dust. What he was showing Remus in that moment were his pure and raw emotions.

“And you can clean up this house, get Harry away from the Dursleys, bring him here,” Remus told his friend and leaned closer to him. Sirius huffed, placing down the now empty bottle of wine.

“Do you know what I want?” He asked seriously. “What I really want, from the bottom of my heart?”

Sirius brought one hand up to his chest and put it right over the spot where his heart was beating. Remus looked at him attentively. He could imagine what Sirius was about to say but he kept quiet, waiting for his friend to go on.

“Family,” Sirius finally said. One word. One simple word but it meant everything to Sirius Black, who had always been taunted by his family, who had broken with them and had run away from home at sixteen and never looked back. Yet he was sitting in his ancestral home and couldn’t let go of his family’s past. He wanted to create his own home, his own family, with Harry, far away from all this.

Remus understood that sentiment because he, too, wished he could finally settle down, stop worrying about what could be coming for them in the future. Times were getting darker again and he didn’t dare imagining anything remotely close to a family.

Remus didn’t stop himself when he leaned over one side of the armchair to place a hand on his friend’s shoulder. The look Sirius gave him was filled with such longing that he stood up from his seat and kneeled down beside the other chair. Sirius almost fell out of his seat and into the embrace. He flung his arms around Remus’ back. Sirius truly felt like he was falling, it was as if he was falling apart, nothing to hold him together. There was no need to keep up an act, to pretend he was okay when he had already shown Remus that he wasn’t. This time he didn’t hide his tears. They were flowing down his face, a face that had grown old, marked from his time in Azkaban. Yet it was so familiar to Remus. He pulled Sirius close to his chest.

He felt safe in Remus’ arms and he was relieved that he had finally opened up to someone about the dark thoughts that were troubling him. Sirius got the feeling now that he would never be alone again. He held onto Remus, digging his hands into the brown tweed jacket Remus was wearing. Sirius didn’t want to let go ever again.

The night Sirius had been arrested for the crime he didn’t commit, Remus had been away on a mission for the Order of the Phoenix. Every night that he had spent in his cell in Azkaban Sirius had thought about what he had brought upon Lily and James but he had also regretted that he hadn’t had the chance to talk to Remus again, he had regretted that he had never told him how important he was to him. When Remus had appeared in the Shrieking Shack and found out that he wasn’t the traitor, Sirius wanted to shout at him, tell him he loved him. But he didn’t, out of fear of rejection, out of fear Remus wouldn’t forgive him.

Now they were cowering on the floor, Sirius head pressed to Remus’ chest in a way that he could hear the other man’s heartbeat. He had calmed down slightly, his breathing less rigid and the tears drying slowly on his cheeks. Sirius could tell him now but when he opened his mouth no sound came out of it.

“I missed you.” Remus broke the silence after a while, his voice was just a whisper. Sirius moved his head to be able to look directly at the other. Did he hear that correctly?

“All those years I thought I had been wrong about you and I was angry, believe me, but I missed my friend. When you returned hope returned with you,” said Remus quietly.

“Hope for what?” Sirius asked and wondered if Remus had read his mind.

“I-“ Remus began but he didn’t exactly know how to put his sentiment into words. He had been hoping to get his friend back, to get another chance to be brave and tell him how he truly felt.

“Sirius,” he tried again but before he could think about it any longer, he felt a hand reach around his neck and pulling his head down softly where his lips met Sirius’. Startled at first, he quickly closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss that tasted like the red wine they had just been drinking. They clung to each other as if their live depended on it. Both of them had waited many years for this to finally happen and they didn’t want it to ever stop. After their initial soft kiss, full of longing, their kisses got deeper and more desperate. It was as if all their feelings, that had built up over the years, finally broke loose.

When their lips parted for a short moment Remus cupped Sirius’ face with one hand smiling softly. All the heartbreak from earlier had been pushed to the back of their minds. In that moment all that mattered to them was each other.

“For how long did you - ?” He asked but was cut short by Sirius.

“Fifth year,” was is whispered answer.

Remus chuckled. “We could have had this so much earlier.”

“You never said anything, I didn’t even know were interested in men.”

“I thought you wouldn’t be because of your upbringing,” Remus explained.

Sirius laughed bitterly.

“It’s not too late, though, we have each other now.” Remus gave him another quick kiss on the corner of the mouth.

Their spirits high from finally coming clean about their mutual feelings Sirius grinned and Remus heart jumped at the sight of it. He was being reminded of Sirius how he knew him back in their days at Hogwarts. That smirk when he was about to joke or tease someone.

“Twelve years in Azkaban,” Sirius said cheekily. “And all I get is a short sloppy kiss?”

He grabbed Remus and pulled him back close, their lips crashing together once again. Sirius leaned back against the lower half of the chair he had been sitting in earlier during their conversation – which now seemed like it had taken place ages ago. Remus moved so he was hovering over Sirius now and pushed back the black curls that were framing Sirius’ face. Both were panting when they broke apart for a short moment only for Sirius to place his lips on Remus scars. One by one he placed a kiss on each of the red streaks on Remus’ face.

“Sirius,” Remus whispered, his voice raspy, their foreheads touching.

“Let’s move upstairs?” The other suggested breathlessly.

Remus didn’t reply and instead just stood up from the floor they were still sitting on and reached out to pull up Sirius as well. They made their way up to Sirius bedroom.

The room was dark and the air stuffy. Remus could smell the dust in the air. The last time someone had cleaned this house had probably been decades ago. But he didn’t have much time to think about the layers of dust covering everything since Sirius dragged him over to the bed and pushed him down onto the thick covers. Only seconds later Remus’ lips were occupied again. He felt Sirius’ hand sliding under his jacket trying to pull it of his shoulders. Remus drew back to make it easier and quickly got out of his jacket. Sirius hands were back on him, opening the buttons of Remus’ shirt and caressing the skin underneath which was also covered in a lot of long scars. Carefully, Sirius let his fingers slide over them. Remus fell silent and watched Sirius’ every move. He always felt awkward about his scars since they reminded him of his true nature and the agony he had to experience every month. But to his surprise Sirius’ loving touch was soothing to him. He knew Sirius didn’t judge him but Remus still couldn’t help feeling nervous about is appearance.

“You alright?” Sirius asked looking up from where he had been stroking over the scars. He noticed that Remus had tensed up.

“Yeah, it’s just –“

“I know what you look like, Remus.” Sirius looked him in the eyes. “And I love every part of you.”

Remus smiled.

“You just said the L-word,” he teased Sirius.

“And I’m not afraid to say it again,” the other growled and hastily closed Remus’ mouth with his own. He sighed into their kiss and maneuvered them from their sitting position onto the bed. Remus was panting but felt reassured after hearing Sirius words and relaxed a bit. He was safe here, no one was going to hurt him or judge him.

He started to fumble with the buttons on Sirius’ vest while being kissed passionately. They broke apart for a short moment and Sirius got out of his dressing shirt, baring is chest. Then he bent down to Remus who in turn started tracing the lines of the tattoos on Sirius’ skin. Their breaths started to grow more rigid as they kissed once again. Suddenly, Remus felt a hand moving past the waistband of his pants. Sirius gave him a questioning look but Remus nodded reassuringly. They had waited for so long he wasn’t going to deny themselves this togetherness.

Sirius opened the buttons on Remus’ pants and pulled them down over his legs. Then he got rid of his own remaining clothes. As soon as Sirius had freed himself of his underwear he noticed how Remus looked at Sirius’ hard cock poking upwards.

“Hey,” he called out and grinned as he saw how flustered Remus had gotten.

“That’s what we are he for, aren’t we?” Sirius voice was low and full of lust as he got back onto the bed and let his hand slide upwards on the insides of Remus’ thighs which earned him a loud groan. Sirius hands came teasingly close to Remus’ hard shaft. He whimpered when the hands moved past his intimate parts and up his torso. Sirius smirked at him before pressing another kiss on Remus’ lips. His tongue begging to be let into the others mouth, he moaned and pressed himself closer to Remus’ body. Their cocks were touching and at that sensation Remus dug is fingernails into Sirius’ skin.

“Fuck,” Sirius groaned. They were both panting now, their hearts racing and their skins prickling. He couldn’t wait much longer. He left a trail of kisses on Remus’ chest, letting his teeth scrape over one nipple, prompting Remus to moan deeply. Sirius chuckled and closed his hand around Remus’s shaft, starting to move up and down.

“Sirius,” he called out breathlessly and then he jumped as Sirius’ mouth closed around Remus’ cock. He started to suck him off while stroking his own length. Remus whimpering beneath him grabbed Sirius’ dark curls. He was losing it. He had fantasized about kissing Sirius, being with him but never had he dared to dream about getting it on with him.

Sirius let his tongue play with the tip of Remus’ cock, teasing him until he was a squirming mess and then taking him in his mouth again. Remus was close and couldn’t form a coherent sentence anymore, all that he managed were groans and moans and Sirius name.

With a cry he came, spilling into Sirius mouth, who swallowed his cum eagerly. Remus looked down to where Sirius was licking his lips and their eyes met again. Sirius pushed himself up to press and hovered over the other, smiling broadly when he kissed him deeply.

Remus noticed that Sirius was still hard and reached out to stroke the other’s erect penis. Sirius growled at the sensation and slightly bit Remus’ bottom lip. The blonde smiled at that reaction and let his hand slide up and down, lubricated by Sirius’ precum.

“Fuck, Remus!” Sirius hissed into his ear. He couldn’t hold out much longer and let his hips snap forward. He was gasping, looking directly into Remus’ eyes as he came and spilled onto Remus’ stomach.

By the time Sirius had come down from his high Remus was almost hard again. Seeing Sirius ride out his orgasm, looking each other in the eyes made Remus feel hot shivers on his body.

“Can’t get enough?” Sirius was still gasping for air but managed to give the other a smirk.

Remus had to admit that he was slightly embarrassed by his strong reaction but Sirius didn't seem to mind. His attention had already shifted again to Remus' half hard penis. Sirius gave it a few strokes with his hand and watched it has Remus grew completely hard again, moaning loudly and closing his eyes in pleasure.

Sirius gazed at him with a content smile. He was happy that Remus felt so comfortable now that he could easily close his eyes and enjoy himself.

Remus' lips were slightly parted and he moved his tongue across his lips. Sirius felt heat rise inside of him again and his own cock harden. It was amazing what Remus could do to him by simply being himself. The smallest gesture was enough to drive him crazy.

Sirius was still stroking Remus' shaft making him moan and groan and pant Sirius name. He would never grow tired of seeing Remus like that, letting himself go, throwing all worries away and just living in the moment. He wished he could do the same. And as Remus opened his eyes again to meet Sirius' it happened for a short moment, he forgot everything around him and existed only for Remus, only in that stuffy old bedroom. Outside of these four walls nothing could come for them, harm them or draw them away from their pleasure.

"Come for me," Sirius said in a hushed tone but instead Remus pushed himself up on his forearms and leaned forward, placing his legs around Sirius hips and moving closer. He put his hand on the hilt of Sirius cock and bent down to let his tongue glide over the tip.

"Fuck!" Sirius cried out in delight which made Remus smile. He teased him with little flicks of his tongue, then taking him in his mouth completely, only to draw back again a few moments later.

"Honestly," Sirius managed to get out between two loud moans. "Fuck – ah – you!"

Remus removed his mouth completely to look at Sirius who was staring back wild eyed.

"Come for me" Remus echoed Sirius words from earlier giving him a dirty look.

As a response Sirius let his hand move even faster on Remus cock and made him throw back his head.

"Oh I-" Remus started but his words were cut short by his orgasm rushing through him. He heard Sirius call out Remus’ name as he followed him over the edge. They spilled their cum between them and clung to each other as they came down from their climax. Panting, trying to catch their breaths, they shared another deep kiss before Remus let himself fall back onto the bed.

Satisfied, Sirius collapsed next to Remus, tilting his head in a way that he could observe the man lying beside him.

He was beautiful, he thought. The blonde hair sticking out to the sides, the eyelids heavy from the exhaustion and the lips red from all the kissing, he was still so beautiful in Sirius’ eyes.

“Now you say it,” Sirius muttered sleepily. Remus turned around and let his eyes wander across Sirius’ face, carefully stroking across his cheek with the back of his hand. Sirius’ eyes were glowing in the dimly lit room.

Remus couldn’t believe his luck. After all the bad things that had happened to him and Sirius, after all the pain and agony, the longing and waiting, they were finally able to be together. They would be anchors in these unstable times and ground each other in what was to come.

“I love you,” Remus whispered, giving Sirius another soft kiss on the lips.

That night the two of them slept peacefully, dreaming of a future together.

Harry sitting at the old table in the kitchen, eating his eggs and toast while Remus poured him a glass of pumpkin juice. Sirius, entering the room, would steal a kiss from his partner and make himself tea. Freedom and peace, the sureness that no one would try to hunt him down for a crime he didn’t commit. A family, just like he wanted, his own family.

But none of their dreams ever came true. Not even a year later Remus was holding a screaming Harry in his arms who couldn’t believe that his godfather had just died.

“HE ISN’T DEAD!” Screamed Harry and tried to break free from Remus’ grasp.

“There is nothing you can do, he is gone.” Remus’ voice was breaking, he couldn’t believe it himself. Sirius, just gone, from one second to the next the world came crashing down upon them.

Harry was yelling for Sirius to come back but he couldn’t. He had died. And they wouldn’t even get to bury him because there was no body left. Sirius had fallen through the veil and vanished. It was as if he had never existed.

But that sentiment turned out to be wrong.

As soon as Remus took another step into number 12 Grimmauld Place again he was immediately reminded of their short time together. Whenever he saw Harry they talked about Sirius and it was almost as if Remus had an open wound that someone was trying to rip open even more. He tried to be there for Harry, who missed Sirius terribly, too.

Remus liked to remember that first night they had spent together, first sitting beside the fireplace, speaking of the cruelest moments in their lives, and later sharing those intimate moments in the upstairs bedroom. It had ben the beginning of many nights like this. 

He was torn between feeling happiness and sorrow when he saw Sirius before his inner eye, when he remembered Sirius in his arms feeling so safe that he let down his guard and allowed himself to be completely true with Remus. Sometimes it was almost as if Remus could feel Sirius hands on him again, his lips on his skin and his laughter ringing in his ears. Seeing Sirius laugh had always been his favorite thing. The man had gone through such hard times and yet he still managed to smile in a way that made his eyes twinkle and Remus’ heart beat faster.

During the last two years of his life Remus often had trouble sleeping. He would lie awake and wish that Sirius would be sleeping beside him but instead there were just cold pillows in the moonlight that was leaking in through the windows. He missed Sirius’ energy that had kept him going, his snarky remarks, his teasing grin. He missed everything about that dark haired man that had shown him love, despite the hate that he had suffered. And in return Remus had shown Sirius acceptance and forgiveness, in spite of the rejection and prejudice that he had to put up with.

When that spell hit him during the battle of Hogwarts he was at peace because he knew he would see Sirius again. He wasn’t afraid of dying. He only felt peace and the sureness of leaving this life behind to begin a new one. Remus and Sirius would be able to be together once more, reunited in death.

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first time I published a smut fanfic which makes me a bit nervous, so please let me know what you think in the comments!


End file.
